Adaption from Mad Magazine
dictated in grade 11 shorthand class by Olive Doyle (1970)
Between the time a boy starts dating and the time he gets married, he is guaranteed to come across a creature called a "Blind Date". Blind dates come in an assortment of sizes and shapes, all ridiculous.
Blind dates are found everywhere. Their names appear in discarded address books, and their numbers on telephone booth walls. Blind dates are arranged by everyone, including agencies, relatives, and guys who – up until you see what they've stuck you with – were your best friend
A blind date like nice looking boys, nightclubs, moonlight walks, little compliments, some attention and lots of respect. She doesn't particularly care for insults, laughing out loud when you first meet her, introducing her to your friends as an April Fool joke, asking her to split the cheque, or taking her to Lover's Lane and then leaving her there.
When you take out a blind date, you can't win. Who else can ruin your evening just by showing up? Who else laughs out loud during the newsreel? Who else wears Vicks Vapor-rub for cologne? And, lipstick on her teeth. Who else still has diaper rash at 17? Who else has a measurement of 38-25-38 on her leg?
Might as well fact it… blind dates are losers and rejects. They are funny-faced, scatter-brained, double-chickened, wobbly-eared, pigeon-toed, hairy-legged, pot-bellied, baggy-eyed, knock-kneed, baby-fatted gum-dewing, time-consuming things.
But at the end of the evening, when you take her home, she turns softly to you and shakes your hand and slams the door in your face.
You shout after her the words that millions who have dated blind dates have shouted before…
"CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT"?
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10-Nov-2011 11:32 AM